December 5, 2012


I got to thinking last night as I was falling asleep. That's when my mind really starts to work. Sad, isn't it?????? Anyway.

I really really have a good life. As I approach my 60's I find I am much more reflective than I have ever been. In my teen's of course I was living with my own angst and drama until I figured myself out; in my 20's I was newly married and a parent, with brand new responsibilities and no time to feel sorry for me and wonder what I wanted to do with my life. I just wanted to be able to brush my teeth and put on something other than burp stained jammies....and maybe comb my hair. I was on survival mode for most of my 20's. My 30's were a time of pain, of loss, of growing up. forcing myself to grow up. forcing myself to once again put ME aside to put my kids first. sadly I didn't do well with that at all. Their dad and I were in seperate states through MY actions. and his. but mostly mine. I had reached a point of stupidity. and it has taken me a long time to figure out that what I did was not only painful in the extreme, but necessary. It taught me a valuable lesson. My 40's? more of the same. I really was lost in my own fog. I functioned. but only on a VERY superficial level. a good chunk of my 40's belonged to mistakes, regrets, actions I will now and forever regret, but learned from and once done were not to ever be repeated. and have not. It's only in my 50's that I have come to a place in myself that is at peace.  
Is accepting of who I was and what I did. and of forgiveness. I had an internal and mental war with myself and came out of it stronger. happier. calmer. more centered than ever.

I have had moments of pure BLISS. I have had heavenly moments when I just thought it could never get better than it is now. I know now that it has always been up to me to make my own happiness inside. Nothing makes me happier than a good book or two or six. I enjoy the peace and quiet that I have when I am home alone. I have always been comfortable by myself, I don't understand people who are afraid to be alone, who must constantly be surrounded. I can sit out on my deck at our new home and just soak it in.

When I was a teenager, my 20's seemed soooo far off. 30 was...ANCIENT. Then I hit my 20's and 30 wasn't so bad, but man! 40 was like DEATH!  Then when the 30's showed up I felt that maybe 40 was not so bad. 50? 60? ARE YOU KIDDING??????? now I'm in my late 50's and I can't wait for my 60's!!!!!!!! Yes. yes. some things don't work like they used to and I'm no longer as flexible or nimble as I was even 5 years ago, but I am in (relatively) good health and my mental state is just fine (despite my children's protests)  In the end I don't intend to slide into the grave with regrets....I intend to land there with a big fat smile on my face, grateful for my life and all the adventures I had and looking forward to the next....