October 28, 2012


Good Sunday morning people.

This is the only time I will probably not go on a rant. I want to take a bit and just be totally serious here.
This is my "What I'm Thankful For" blog. annnnnnnd GO!!!!!!

I am more than thankful and grateful for my family. Immediate, extended, adopted, you name it. Each and every one of you has brought immeasurable joy, love, laughter and yes, heartache and worry and fear into my life. I couldn't do what I do, be who I am, and have what I have without each and every one of you. so from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, THANK YOU ALL.

My friends. I am one of those people who don't have alot of friends. don't have a huge circle. I am now, as I have always been, content to be a loner. I have always, as now, hold people at arm's length, because I prefer myself to myself, that way no one can hurt my feelings. Friendship requires going outside of yourself, giving up pieces of you to another person. and I have never been comfortable doing that. But. I have a core group of girls who just wouldn't and won't let me take that road. They MAKE me give, they make me take, and they NEVER EVER let me retreat back into myself. They open my wounds, they make me get the garbage out and then they cover them back up to heal. and they will do this as often as need be. They can piss me off to the point of nearly screaming, as I do them, but in the end it works out and WE work it out. You know who you are, but I will mention two. Cynthia Villanueva. She was my first friend at my job and became my sister. We talked about anything and everything; sometimes we thought maybe we were seperated at birth and sold to the gypsies. She NEVER let me down, when I was going through my dad's illness and too early death from cancer, she cried with me, she let me just fall to pieces, rant and rage against this bullshit disease, and then she would make me laugh. We walked through unplanned pregnancies together, celebrated our grandchildren's births together, and blended our two families into one. It seemed like the worst kind of joke when she was diagnosed with cancer. I was LIVID with GOD for doing this to her. of all the people who didn't deserve this. She fought with unbelievable grace, and strength and humor. It wasn't until the end that she let me in on her pain, her fears, her regrets. and when she passed, there was a large piece of me that went with her. I always tried to tell her every time I talked to her or wrote her letters or sent her some of the most god awful cards that I loved her. and I hope she took that with her. Genny Cruz. I just don't know what I would do without her. She is my daughter, my sister, my friend all rolled into one. She and I can be just ridiculous together. We can be serious together. She has my back at all times and I hope she knows I have hers. She senses when I need to talk, and when I need to be left alone to figure it out. We have been through some horrific stuff together. She has willingly opened her family to me and I love them as my own. My family adores her. and I cannot ever thank her enough for her friendship and love.

I am beyond grateful for my husband. Yes, I bitch and I chew and nobody pisses me off like he does. I have long stopped thinking that I would be better off without him. That may be so, but I don't want to find out before I have to. He gives me the freedom to be me. He gives me the room to fly and is always one step behind me to catch me when I fall, as I always do. Some of the deepest conversations I have ever had in my life are with him. He's very conservative, I fly by the seat of my pants. He wants all the details first, I just make it up as I go along. He has more faith in me than I do myself. He knows I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and forces me to act just so. When I had my stroke he almost had one himself. To this day, two years later, he watches me like a hawk, calls me a thousand times a day and hates being away from me any longer than needed. It can be a little overwhelming at times, but I know why he does it. Nobody makes me feel the range of emotions like he does. and nobody makes me think, care, laugh like him. I love you. I love you. I love you.

My kids. My wonderful wonderful wonderful daughters. I never knew what total, unconditional, fierce love was until I had my girls. I love them from somewhere I didn't know I had in me. It burns like the brightest fire. I made and continue to make many many mistakes with them. You don't get a hand book when you become a mom. They continue to this day to be the best thing that's ever happened to me and the most important thing I've EVER done in my life. Have they hurt me? have they disappointed me? have they done things I didn't understand then and still don't to this day? YES and YES and YES. and they continue to do so. that is what growing up is all about. I have to let these wonderful GROWN women make their mistakes, and just step back. It goes against my grain. my daughters will tell you that I have always tried to fight their battles for them, much to their dismay. I STILL try to. but there have been times when I couldn't and times when they wouldn't let me and times where they had to tell me to back off they could handle it. and all I could do was let them, worry. pace. wait by the phone. and be speechless with a sneaky admiration that they wouldn't let anybody, not even mama tell them what to do, how to do it, and when and where. At this point in all their lives, they turn to me and give me thanks. for letting them do it their way. and I get LOTS of apologies now that they have kids. some of it in fun, some of it in seriousness. When their dad and I are dead and gone, I hope they pass on to THEIR kids the same lessons we tried to help them with. With age comes wisdom as they say.

My grandbabies. Oh how I worship the very ground they walk on. Every time they take a breath I fall more and more in love. If I thought that I loved my kids, it's NOTHING compared to my grandkids. Someone once said that grandkids are the reward for not killing your children. TRUE! I know tht I have the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, and handsome (for Vinny Blue Eyes as Ashley calls him) grandchildren ever. EVER! nobody can compare to my grands. I am fiercely protective of them, I will take on ANYBODY who messes with them, and there will be nowhere one could hide if they try to or hurt one of my babies. I will break every known law, hunt them down and make them beg for death. and then I will get serious. And if I go to jail, so be it. I will go with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. Rowan, Ariah, Akasha and Vincent. I hope I live long enough to watch the kind of adults you will become. You have the best parents. They will guide you. and help you. And just know that the love they feel for you is repeated daily and a zillion times over from me and grandpa.

My mom. My brother. My niece. My dad. My uncles. My aunts. These are the people I hold closest to my heart. They made me who I am. They have given me a name, a bloodline to be proud of. A place to call home. I am a daughter and a niece and a sister and a grandchild of the most wonderful people. They have shaped who I am, have given me the backbone and strength to see myself through. and I can never thank them enough.