December 5, 2012
I got to thinking last night as I was falling asleep. That's when my mind really starts to work. Sad, isn't it?????? Anyway.
I really really have a good life. As I approach my 60's I find I am much more reflective than I have ever been. In my teen's of course I was living with my own angst and drama until I figured myself out; in my 20's I was newly married and a parent, with brand new responsibilities and no time to feel sorry for me and wonder what I wanted to do with my life. I just wanted to be able to brush my teeth and put on something other than burp stained jammies....and maybe comb my hair. I was on survival mode for most of my 20's. My 30's were a time of pain, of loss, of growing up. forcing myself to grow up. forcing myself to once again put ME aside to put my kids first. sadly I didn't do well with that at all. Their dad and I were in seperate states through MY actions. and his. but mostly mine. I had reached a point of stupidity. and it has taken me a long time to figure out that what I did was not only painful in the extreme, but necessary. It taught me a valuable lesson. My 40's? more of the same. I really was lost in my own fog. I functioned. but only on a VERY superficial level. a good chunk of my 40's belonged to mistakes, regrets, actions I will now and forever regret, but learned from and once done were not to ever be repeated. and have not. It's only in my 50's that I have come to a place in myself that is at peace.
Is accepting of who I was and what I did. and of forgiveness. I had an internal and mental war with myself and came out of it stronger. happier. calmer. more centered than ever.
I have had moments of pure BLISS. I have had heavenly moments when I just thought it could never get better than it is now. I know now that it has always been up to me to make my own happiness inside. Nothing makes me happier than a good book or two or six. I enjoy the peace and quiet that I have when I am home alone. I have always been comfortable by myself, I don't understand people who are afraid to be alone, who must constantly be surrounded. I can sit out on my deck at our new home and just soak it in.
When I was a teenager, my 20's seemed soooo far off. 30 was...ANCIENT. Then I hit my 20's and 30 wasn't so bad, but man! 40 was like DEATH! Then when the 30's showed up I felt that maybe 40 was not so bad. 50? 60? ARE YOU KIDDING??????? now I'm in my late 50's and I can't wait for my 60's!!!!!!!! Yes. yes. some things don't work like they used to and I'm no longer as flexible or nimble as I was even 5 years ago, but I am in (relatively) good health and my mental state is just fine (despite my children's protests) In the end I don't intend to slide into the grave with regrets....I intend to land there with a big fat smile on my face, grateful for my life and all the adventures I had and looking forward to the next....
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
October 28, 2012
Good Sunday morning people.
This is the only time I will probably not go on a rant. I want to take a bit and just be totally serious here.
This is my "What I'm Thankful For" blog. annnnnnnd GO!!!!!!
I am more than thankful and grateful for my family. Immediate, extended, adopted, you name it. Each and every one of you has brought immeasurable joy, love, laughter and yes, heartache and worry and fear into my life. I couldn't do what I do, be who I am, and have what I have without each and every one of you. so from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, THANK YOU ALL.
My friends. I am one of those people who don't have alot of friends. don't have a huge circle. I am now, as I have always been, content to be a loner. I have always, as now, hold people at arm's length, because I prefer myself to myself, that way no one can hurt my feelings. Friendship requires going outside of yourself, giving up pieces of you to another person. and I have never been comfortable doing that. But. I have a core group of girls who just wouldn't and won't let me take that road. They MAKE me give, they make me take, and they NEVER EVER let me retreat back into myself. They open my wounds, they make me get the garbage out and then they cover them back up to heal. and they will do this as often as need be. They can piss me off to the point of nearly screaming, as I do them, but in the end it works out and WE work it out. You know who you are, but I will mention two. Cynthia Villanueva. She was my first friend at my job and became my sister. We talked about anything and everything; sometimes we thought maybe we were seperated at birth and sold to the gypsies. She NEVER let me down, when I was going through my dad's illness and too early death from cancer, she cried with me, she let me just fall to pieces, rant and rage against this bullshit disease, and then she would make me laugh. We walked through unplanned pregnancies together, celebrated our grandchildren's births together, and blended our two families into one. It seemed like the worst kind of joke when she was diagnosed with cancer. I was LIVID with GOD for doing this to her. of all the people who didn't deserve this. She fought with unbelievable grace, and strength and humor. It wasn't until the end that she let me in on her pain, her fears, her regrets. and when she passed, there was a large piece of me that went with her. I always tried to tell her every time I talked to her or wrote her letters or sent her some of the most god awful cards that I loved her. and I hope she took that with her. Genny Cruz. I just don't know what I would do without her. She is my daughter, my sister, my friend all rolled into one. She and I can be just ridiculous together. We can be serious together. She has my back at all times and I hope she knows I have hers. She senses when I need to talk, and when I need to be left alone to figure it out. We have been through some horrific stuff together. She has willingly opened her family to me and I love them as my own. My family adores her. and I cannot ever thank her enough for her friendship and love.
I am beyond grateful for my husband. Yes, I bitch and I chew and nobody pisses me off like he does. I have long stopped thinking that I would be better off without him. That may be so, but I don't want to find out before I have to. He gives me the freedom to be me. He gives me the room to fly and is always one step behind me to catch me when I fall, as I always do. Some of the deepest conversations I have ever had in my life are with him. He's very conservative, I fly by the seat of my pants. He wants all the details first, I just make it up as I go along. He has more faith in me than I do myself. He knows I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and forces me to act just so. When I had my stroke he almost had one himself. To this day, two years later, he watches me like a hawk, calls me a thousand times a day and hates being away from me any longer than needed. It can be a little overwhelming at times, but I know why he does it. Nobody makes me feel the range of emotions like he does. and nobody makes me think, care, laugh like him. I love you. I love you. I love you.
My kids. My wonderful wonderful wonderful daughters. I never knew what total, unconditional, fierce love was until I had my girls. I love them from somewhere I didn't know I had in me. It burns like the brightest fire. I made and continue to make many many mistakes with them. You don't get a hand book when you become a mom. They continue to this day to be the best thing that's ever happened to me and the most important thing I've EVER done in my life. Have they hurt me? have they disappointed me? have they done things I didn't understand then and still don't to this day? YES and YES and YES. and they continue to do so. that is what growing up is all about. I have to let these wonderful GROWN women make their mistakes, and just step back. It goes against my grain. my daughters will tell you that I have always tried to fight their battles for them, much to their dismay. I STILL try to. but there have been times when I couldn't and times when they wouldn't let me and times where they had to tell me to back off they could handle it. and all I could do was let them, worry. pace. wait by the phone. and be speechless with a sneaky admiration that they wouldn't let anybody, not even mama tell them what to do, how to do it, and when and where. At this point in all their lives, they turn to me and give me thanks. for letting them do it their way. and I get LOTS of apologies now that they have kids. some of it in fun, some of it in seriousness. When their dad and I are dead and gone, I hope they pass on to THEIR kids the same lessons we tried to help them with. With age comes wisdom as they say.
My grandbabies. Oh how I worship the very ground they walk on. Every time they take a breath I fall more and more in love. If I thought that I loved my kids, it's NOTHING compared to my grandkids. Someone once said that grandkids are the reward for not killing your children. TRUE! I know tht I have the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, and handsome (for Vinny Blue Eyes as Ashley calls him) grandchildren ever. EVER! nobody can compare to my grands. I am fiercely protective of them, I will take on ANYBODY who messes with them, and there will be nowhere one could hide if they try to or hurt one of my babies. I will break every known law, hunt them down and make them beg for death. and then I will get serious. And if I go to jail, so be it. I will go with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. Rowan, Ariah, Akasha and Vincent. I hope I live long enough to watch the kind of adults you will become. You have the best parents. They will guide you. and help you. And just know that the love they feel for you is repeated daily and a zillion times over from me and grandpa.
My mom. My brother. My niece. My dad. My uncles. My aunts. These are the people I hold closest to my heart. They made me who I am. They have given me a name, a bloodline to be proud of. A place to call home. I am a daughter and a niece and a sister and a grandchild of the most wonderful people. They have shaped who I am, have given me the backbone and strength to see myself through. and I can never thank them enough.
Good Sunday morning people.
This is the only time I will probably not go on a rant. I want to take a bit and just be totally serious here.
This is my "What I'm Thankful For" blog. annnnnnnd GO!!!!!!
I am more than thankful and grateful for my family. Immediate, extended, adopted, you name it. Each and every one of you has brought immeasurable joy, love, laughter and yes, heartache and worry and fear into my life. I couldn't do what I do, be who I am, and have what I have without each and every one of you. so from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, THANK YOU ALL.
My friends. I am one of those people who don't have alot of friends. don't have a huge circle. I am now, as I have always been, content to be a loner. I have always, as now, hold people at arm's length, because I prefer myself to myself, that way no one can hurt my feelings. Friendship requires going outside of yourself, giving up pieces of you to another person. and I have never been comfortable doing that. But. I have a core group of girls who just wouldn't and won't let me take that road. They MAKE me give, they make me take, and they NEVER EVER let me retreat back into myself. They open my wounds, they make me get the garbage out and then they cover them back up to heal. and they will do this as often as need be. They can piss me off to the point of nearly screaming, as I do them, but in the end it works out and WE work it out. You know who you are, but I will mention two. Cynthia Villanueva. She was my first friend at my job and became my sister. We talked about anything and everything; sometimes we thought maybe we were seperated at birth and sold to the gypsies. She NEVER let me down, when I was going through my dad's illness and too early death from cancer, she cried with me, she let me just fall to pieces, rant and rage against this bullshit disease, and then she would make me laugh. We walked through unplanned pregnancies together, celebrated our grandchildren's births together, and blended our two families into one. It seemed like the worst kind of joke when she was diagnosed with cancer. I was LIVID with GOD for doing this to her. of all the people who didn't deserve this. She fought with unbelievable grace, and strength and humor. It wasn't until the end that she let me in on her pain, her fears, her regrets. and when she passed, there was a large piece of me that went with her. I always tried to tell her every time I talked to her or wrote her letters or sent her some of the most god awful cards that I loved her. and I hope she took that with her. Genny Cruz. I just don't know what I would do without her. She is my daughter, my sister, my friend all rolled into one. She and I can be just ridiculous together. We can be serious together. She has my back at all times and I hope she knows I have hers. She senses when I need to talk, and when I need to be left alone to figure it out. We have been through some horrific stuff together. She has willingly opened her family to me and I love them as my own. My family adores her. and I cannot ever thank her enough for her friendship and love.
I am beyond grateful for my husband. Yes, I bitch and I chew and nobody pisses me off like he does. I have long stopped thinking that I would be better off without him. That may be so, but I don't want to find out before I have to. He gives me the freedom to be me. He gives me the room to fly and is always one step behind me to catch me when I fall, as I always do. Some of the deepest conversations I have ever had in my life are with him. He's very conservative, I fly by the seat of my pants. He wants all the details first, I just make it up as I go along. He has more faith in me than I do myself. He knows I'm smarter than I give myself credit for and forces me to act just so. When I had my stroke he almost had one himself. To this day, two years later, he watches me like a hawk, calls me a thousand times a day and hates being away from me any longer than needed. It can be a little overwhelming at times, but I know why he does it. Nobody makes me feel the range of emotions like he does. and nobody makes me think, care, laugh like him. I love you. I love you. I love you.
My kids. My wonderful wonderful wonderful daughters. I never knew what total, unconditional, fierce love was until I had my girls. I love them from somewhere I didn't know I had in me. It burns like the brightest fire. I made and continue to make many many mistakes with them. You don't get a hand book when you become a mom. They continue to this day to be the best thing that's ever happened to me and the most important thing I've EVER done in my life. Have they hurt me? have they disappointed me? have they done things I didn't understand then and still don't to this day? YES and YES and YES. and they continue to do so. that is what growing up is all about. I have to let these wonderful GROWN women make their mistakes, and just step back. It goes against my grain. my daughters will tell you that I have always tried to fight their battles for them, much to their dismay. I STILL try to. but there have been times when I couldn't and times when they wouldn't let me and times where they had to tell me to back off they could handle it. and all I could do was let them, worry. pace. wait by the phone. and be speechless with a sneaky admiration that they wouldn't let anybody, not even mama tell them what to do, how to do it, and when and where. At this point in all their lives, they turn to me and give me thanks. for letting them do it their way. and I get LOTS of apologies now that they have kids. some of it in fun, some of it in seriousness. When their dad and I are dead and gone, I hope they pass on to THEIR kids the same lessons we tried to help them with. With age comes wisdom as they say.
My grandbabies. Oh how I worship the very ground they walk on. Every time they take a breath I fall more and more in love. If I thought that I loved my kids, it's NOTHING compared to my grandkids. Someone once said that grandkids are the reward for not killing your children. TRUE! I know tht I have the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, and handsome (for Vinny Blue Eyes as Ashley calls him) grandchildren ever. EVER! nobody can compare to my grands. I am fiercely protective of them, I will take on ANYBODY who messes with them, and there will be nowhere one could hide if they try to or hurt one of my babies. I will break every known law, hunt them down and make them beg for death. and then I will get serious. And if I go to jail, so be it. I will go with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. Rowan, Ariah, Akasha and Vincent. I hope I live long enough to watch the kind of adults you will become. You have the best parents. They will guide you. and help you. And just know that the love they feel for you is repeated daily and a zillion times over from me and grandpa.
My mom. My brother. My niece. My dad. My uncles. My aunts. These are the people I hold closest to my heart. They made me who I am. They have given me a name, a bloodline to be proud of. A place to call home. I am a daughter and a niece and a sister and a grandchild of the most wonderful people. They have shaped who I am, have given me the backbone and strength to see myself through. and I can never thank them enough.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
October 25, 2012
okay. so here it is. my first blog. some of you said that if I wrote one, you would read it. beware of what you ask for.
since this is my first post I will try not to offend anyone. oh hell. I will. but oh well.
The election is coming up soon. I have had my obligatory robo calls from mittens and barack. and ann. and michelle. and I had one very very interesting live call from somebody in mittens campaign who started off extremely pleasant until they found out that I was voting for Obama. Then the profanity and racist bigotry set in. "You are REALLY going to vote for that f***ing muslim n-word????"
after I picked my jaw up off of the floor and could catch my breath, the fury set in. nothing makes my blood reach flash point faster than racism, bigotry. stupidity.
My response to this was..."Does Mittens approve this message? I assume you got permission from the camp to talk to me this way????? and more important. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU BIGOTED RACIST WIGGLER??????" end of conversation. cuz wiggler hung up on me. of course when I tried to call the number back, it was a "non working number" of course.
Look. I really don't care who you vote for. I assume you have made your choice based on the facts, NOT because you just really really don't want a black man in the white house for four more years unless it's in a janitorial position...or you really really don't want a flip flopping idiot who can't make up his mind to save his soul in said same white house.
What's important is that you VOTE. This is a chance to make your voice heard. whatever it is you don't like, vote against it. if you do like it, vote for it. just get up, get out the door and VOTE.
Let me tell you why I am going to vote for Obama. I want a president who is going to support my choices as a woman; a president who doesn't think he knows what it's like to be a woman and therefore knows what's best for my body. If you're a man, and you've never been a woman, then you have noooo clue. So don't try to push your agenda on me. I'm voting for this man because I don't want my daughters, my granddaughters, even my grandson to have to start that battle all over again. The women who came before me and fought for us deserve better. I'm voting for this man because I think he deserves more time to try and clean up W's mess. I'm voting for this man because he wants EVERY one of us, men and/or women to have a better life, regardless or sexual orientation, race, religion. And I am voting for this man because he kept his word. got our troops out of Iraq where they did not belong in the first place. Getting us out of Afghanistan where we don't belong either. and if we didn't have such an obstructionist Republican senate, this would not be an issue.
so tell me why you are voting for barack or mittens. or why you're not voting at all. just stick to facts, if you don't mind. try to stay sane on the topic.
okay. so here it is. my first blog. some of you said that if I wrote one, you would read it. beware of what you ask for.
since this is my first post I will try not to offend anyone. oh hell. I will. but oh well.
The election is coming up soon. I have had my obligatory robo calls from mittens and barack. and ann. and michelle. and I had one very very interesting live call from somebody in mittens campaign who started off extremely pleasant until they found out that I was voting for Obama. Then the profanity and racist bigotry set in. "You are REALLY going to vote for that f***ing muslim n-word????"
after I picked my jaw up off of the floor and could catch my breath, the fury set in. nothing makes my blood reach flash point faster than racism, bigotry. stupidity.
My response to this was..."Does Mittens approve this message? I assume you got permission from the camp to talk to me this way????? and more important. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU BIGOTED RACIST WIGGLER??????" end of conversation. cuz wiggler hung up on me. of course when I tried to call the number back, it was a "non working number" of course.
Look. I really don't care who you vote for. I assume you have made your choice based on the facts, NOT because you just really really don't want a black man in the white house for four more years unless it's in a janitorial position...or you really really don't want a flip flopping idiot who can't make up his mind to save his soul in said same white house.
What's important is that you VOTE. This is a chance to make your voice heard. whatever it is you don't like, vote against it. if you do like it, vote for it. just get up, get out the door and VOTE.
Let me tell you why I am going to vote for Obama. I want a president who is going to support my choices as a woman; a president who doesn't think he knows what it's like to be a woman and therefore knows what's best for my body. If you're a man, and you've never been a woman, then you have noooo clue. So don't try to push your agenda on me. I'm voting for this man because I don't want my daughters, my granddaughters, even my grandson to have to start that battle all over again. The women who came before me and fought for us deserve better. I'm voting for this man because I think he deserves more time to try and clean up W's mess. I'm voting for this man because he wants EVERY one of us, men and/or women to have a better life, regardless or sexual orientation, race, religion. And I am voting for this man because he kept his word. got our troops out of Iraq where they did not belong in the first place. Getting us out of Afghanistan where we don't belong either. and if we didn't have such an obstructionist Republican senate, this would not be an issue.
so tell me why you are voting for barack or mittens. or why you're not voting at all. just stick to facts, if you don't mind. try to stay sane on the topic.
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